Squandering time and Treasure

It's  been more than a year since I last posted to MomSequitur, so long a time lapse that I cannot remember if the name of my blog is two words or one, if the "M" and "S" are even capitalized.
It's been almost four years since I traveled alone to Peterborough, New Hampshire, to live in a cabin in the woods, to write and read all day, to have NO distractions, no daily-life getintheways.
My time spent as a fellow at The MacDowell Colony was a treasure. Meals, lodging, all accommodations: paid for. I got the credit card out only for air transportation there and returning to Kansas City. I think I bought a Colony t-shirt, too.
Never more prolific, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and produced poems and essays and short stories. I outline a few novel ideas. I got a lot of shit done. DONE.
And now, one, two, three, four years later, I write nothing. I take care of children in the morning and in the afternoon, before school, and over the summer, every single day, which about killed my spirit and 51-year-old body ... a death to spirit only in the sense that langston hughes wrote about deferring his dream. I love children and when I am in their presence I laugh and sing and feel delight and meaning. But no writing gets done and my soul talks to me all sarcastic:like: So, this is what you're doing with your MacDowell experience: you're grilling cheese sandwiches for germ donkeys and playing endless games of Monopoly Junior.
She's right about the non-writing.
I have to remember the gift of time and space that I received from the Colony. I must honor that treasure, stop squandering it. I must get done that which must get done.
.

Staying connected

Me and one of my favorite former students, Alyssa Chandler.



One of the best parts of being a teacher is seeing your former students turn into adults. The 14-year-old  girl who sat in my communication arts class eight years ago  is now a mature 22-year-old young woman and fabulous mom to cutie-patootie Ivan. This picture was taken at Ivan's second birthday party mid-June. I was thrilled to have been invited.

Dangit, Harper

I was excited to get it; I was disappointed to read it. The much anticipated "follow up" to Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird is no follow-up at all; rather, Go Set a Watchman is the rough draft of Lee's famous (iconic) work -- before editors, Lee's rewrites, and Capote (I dare say) got to it. I'd been hoping for a completely different book, or a stand-on-its-own sequel. Sadly, Watchman is a lumpy, disconnected "collection" of small-town vignettes --no plot, really, unless you count the angry politicizing the young adult Jean Louise (fresh out of New York, back home for a visit) hurls at her father, her suitor, her Uncle Jack and her Aunt Alexandra. Go Set a Watchman wasn't published before now because it wasn't a well-developed, interesting, memorable read. The only reason it's being published now is to sell millions of copies to Mockingbird fans who were excited to discover their beloved Harper Lee had written something --anything -- else, even if this something else turned out to be a novice writer's first (polished) draft. Go Set a Watchman isn't horrible. It just isn't very good.
‪#‎feelingduped

Deciding to be happy

A few weeks ago, a trusted friend, who enjoys research of the psychological, informed me that happiness is 50 percent genetic, 10 percent circumstantial, and 40 percent intentional. Initially, I thought I was screwed, doomed to a life of heavy-eyelidded, slow-motion existence, the kind where wallowing in bed takes up a good portion of one's day. Look. My dad suffered all his life from Major Depressive Disorder, a genetic hand-me-down that he got from his dad, possibly his mother, and then passed on to me, which I then passed on to my son. (Sorry, kid.)
Fifty percent, huh?
No wonder life seems harder for me than many (most?) people in my inner circle. Whereas they seem to just wake up happy, I have to consciously decide to 1) wake up at all; and 2) attempt to go about my day without dragging other people down with me.
For people who consider me Happy-Go-Lucky and have no idea that I have carried the heavy blanket of depression All My Life --and it's a damn heavy covering -- reading this post will come as a surprise. I come across all Smile-y and Optimistic, don't I? Let me tell you: it's work. It is intentional. That's the 40 percent that keeps me lugging my dark-cloud blankie around, that keeps me around at all.
So.
So this morning I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and got the coffee pot brewing. Put on yesterday's dog-walking clothes. Logged on to Realtor.com and perused new listings --these days I am JONESING to live in a high-rise condo near the Country Club Plaza. Drank a cup of not-hot-enough coffee. Cursed my cheap coffee pot. Buzzed my cup in the microwave for 45 seconds. Settled in for residential fantasies. Gave myself twenty minutes. Intentionally walked away from my laptop.
Headed outside. Beckoned my cocker spaniel and mounted my bicycle. Millie and I did some laps around the cul de sac. Exercise is good for depression, don't you know.
Back to the house. It's 9:10 a.m. and I'm on my second cup of coffee. I got out of bed today.
It's something.

God is great!

How is your Lent going? Easter is coming!

What Writers Moan About

What Writers Moan About

Falling Down

The day started out well: two cups of coffee, a leisurely breakfast, a sweet episode of The Middle (I am obsessed with this show, thanks to Netflix), some gentle reading (A Year of Writing Dangerously: 365 Days of Inspiration & Encouragement, by Barbara Abercrombie), a trip to the office (upstairs, in my home).

I was eager to get back to work on my newest project --and I've been doing swimmingly--meeting my daily word goal, outlining and plotting strategically, monitoring and adjusting when characters change their minds, or the writing is so organic it doesn't want to be contained ... and then I noticed my desk was particularly dusty. (My chalkboard wall is both a delight and a curse.)
Rather than ignore the dust and pick up where I left off in my manuscript, I started to clear my desk; I started to dust; I started to get into a crappy mood; I fussed at the dog.
I have fallen from my Happy Writer Life ladder.
I must get out of the house, buy a latte, take a short drive, feel the warm winter air on my face (it's nearly fifty degrees), run two errands, get back to my room.
Pick myself up.
Start again.