Career Crisis

I am in that ohmigod-what-do-I-do-next phase ... continue teaching (a job that I alternately love and hate with equal passion) or get back into journalism (writing feeds my soul)?

A friend in my writers' group scored a book deal today with Simon and Schuster. I don't know whether to throw her a party or throw her dead body into a lake. (Normally not prone to violence, I am angry at Self for even thinking such thoughts.) I am consumed not so much with jealousy (I AM happy for her, knowing how deserving and hard-working a writer she is) as I am with self loathing: Why didn't/don't I work as hard with my writing?

I'll tell you why, Self: because your time is spent educating today's youth. Teaching consumes me. Lesson planning and grading and disciplining and grading and too-frequent meetings with parents and administrators and grading ... .

Here it is spring break and my dining room table is heavy with papers to assess/evaluate.
What I really want to do with my time is rework the novel my daughter and I wrote two summers ago. I want to pen a short story about an amazing woman I met today in my sis's kitchen. I want to sit down and read every single Jane Austen book written (I watched The Jane Austen Book Club three times in the last four days.) I want to get Elizabeth off to school and go into my writing room and turn on NPR for company and write the day away.

I want my husband to allow me to write instead of constantly reminding me how much debt we have and why I must work.