Making sense

Anne Lamott, on writing ...

"We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out.”

Friday, March 21, 2008

Career Crisis

I am in that ohmigod-what-do-I-do-next phase ... continue teaching (a job that I alternately love and hate with equal passion) or get back into journalism (writing feeds my soul)?

A friend in my writers' group scored a book deal today with Simon and Schuster. I don't know whether to throw her a party or throw her dead body into a lake. (Normally not prone to violence, I am angry at Self for even thinking such thoughts.) I am consumed not so much with jealousy (I AM happy for her, knowing how deserving and hard-working a writer she is) as I am with self loathing: Why didn't/don't I work as hard with my writing?

I'll tell you why, Self: because your time is spent educating today's youth. Teaching consumes me. Lesson planning and grading and disciplining and grading and too-frequent meetings with parents and administrators and grading ... .

Here it is spring break and my dining room table is heavy with papers to assess/evaluate.
What I really want to do with my time is rework the novel my daughter and I wrote two summers ago. I want to pen a short story about an amazing woman I met today in my sis's kitchen. I want to sit down and read every single Jane Austen book written (I watched The Jane Austen Book Club three times in the last four days.) I want to get Elizabeth off to school and go into my writing room and turn on NPR for company and write the day away.

I want my husband to allow me to write instead of constantly reminding me how much debt we have and why I must work.

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