Making sense

Anne Lamott, on writing ...

"We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out.”

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Cupcake, anyone?

I am desiring a cupcake.
White cake with pink frosting, maybe a few sprinkles. A glass of icy cold milk.
Or maybe a yellow cupcake with chocolate frosting.
Spice cake with cream-cheese frosting sounds delicious, too.
Mmmmm. Forgot about carrot cake. Always a good choice.
Lemon, though, sounds good. Or maybe poppyseed.

Need to throw my keys away before I go in search of a bakery.
A cupcake is not on my new food plan.
Why is it so much fun to gain weight and so difficult and soul-wrenching to lose it?
Why can't I be one of those rail-thin people who cannot gain weight?
Me? Kathleen? I can get fat thinking about cupcakes.

No wonder that sandwich is so damned good

So I sleep in. I mean, waaaaaaay in, like I roll out of bed at 11:15, and of course I'm famished, having eaten nothing for 16 hours (hence the name: breakfast, as in break the fast), and so, what do I do? I petition my youngest, Elizabeth, to take my debit card to Panera and pick me up one of those uber-delicious baconturkeybravoontomatobasilbread delights, to which she is optimistic in her response: "Can I get one too?" Of course, I say, and 45 minutes later (this child also took my debit card to Starbucks, where she met up with a friend ~ no surprise) I am sitting in my living room balancing a plate on my lap,  holding a gargantuan bacon turkey bravo sandwich. Also, a bag of their chips. Also, a pickle spear, which always tastes better in a restaurant than one you plunk out of a jar at home.

But look at these nutrition facts ~  for HALF a sandwich, which I did not consume. I, fat girl that I am, I consumed the entire sandwich, along with the chips and the pickle. I ignored the "sigh" Weight Watchers Leader #18 talked about some years back. The sigh that babies get when they've drunk their fill, how they realized they're full and they spit out mama's nipple or the latex kind. Infants realize their satiety level; I, apparently, do not. So I ate the entire sandwich, even though my sigh came after just one bite into the second half.
That sandwich today just cost me 820 calories. Ouch.

Nutrition Facts
Panera Half Bacon Turkey Bravo on Tomato Basil
Calories 410Calories from Fat 140
% Daily Value
Total Fat15g23%
Saturated Fat 4.5g23%
Trans Fat 0g
Total Carbohydrate43g14%
Dietary Fiber 2g8%
Sugars 5g

Monday, May 28, 2012

It's Memorial Day!

And I am thankful for the unselfish service that so many men and women have given to my country. I am proud to be an American; I am proud to be the daughter of an Airman in the Air Force; I am proud to be the wife of an Airman in the Air Force. Although neither my dad nor my husband served during war time, they would have. That's courage. Thanks, Dad, for your service. Thanks, HAS, for your service. Love you both from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Vortex

Caught in the Missing Mom vortex. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, everything I think has revolved around my mom today. Except when I was watching a movie. Except when I was helping HAS build a lattice screen out back. Except when I was getting ready for the day. Everything else?
Mom. It does not help that her ashes (and Dad's) are sitting in an alcove in my entryway.
This vortex has sucked my positive food-plan energies.
Check out what I ate today:

Raspberry kolache. (Damn you, Czech heritage ~)
Popcorn and soda (not diet) at the movie. Movie popcorn, of all things. With extra butter.
Popsicles. Two.
Packaged fettuccine alfredo. I ate all of it. By myself. Not even at the table; rather, I was sitting in the rocking chair in the living room watching a murder mystery, and as such, I don't remember whether this was even good or not (the food, not the program).
Two enormous jugs of water with orange juice (mostly water; I like the taste of diluted orange juice).
A few other things, but I have absolutely zero recollection. That's what Not Writing Things Down gets me. False memories and a bazillion unaccounted calories.

Butt pilates/wall push-ups
45-minute walk with Bella and Millie
10-minute bicycle ride

Missing Mom. Missing Mom. Missing the ability to pick up the phone and talk with her, to ask her, What'd you do today? to which she'd respond, Not a damn thing. Missing mom all day today. Except when I wasn't.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Day Three of nutritious eating ~

The third day is here, and I am already slipping.
Here it is, almost 7 p.m., and I haven't walked yet. It's too humid, too too moist and sticky; I always feel like I'm going to pass out in this kind of weather. I have, however, done my leg/butt pilates, and I have NOT eaten down the house. Yet. Those days have got to be over. It's by eating the world that I ended up weighing 242.6 pounds.


7 a.m. Black Coffee
I awoke with horrible lower abdominal cramping/lower back cramping; probably an ovarian cyst misbehaving ... the pain was a definite 6/7 on the pain scale ... no way was I going to be able to eat within 20 minutes of waking ...

Noon: Microwaved egg/ toasted English muffin/processed American cheese slice
See how the "cheating" begins? It begins with a single slice of American processed cheese. Next thing you know, I'll be ordering the enchilada platter at Rancho Grande and having ice cream in that big fat cereal bowl.

1:30 p.m. Another freaking kolache, all in the name of sampling a local bakery's offering. Also, drank a Diet Pepsi (grrrrr; must get off that poison!)

2:15 p.m. Hungry. Microwaved Weight Watchers' macaroni and cheese (7 pts.)

5 p.m. Just applied online for a communication arts opening here in Liberty. I know that teaching is my calling; I also know that writing is my passion; I know that grading kids' papers takes away my writing time; must find discipline to do both! Think of all the "big-name" writers who took English positions to support their families until their writing was published often enough to provide ... . I've been VERY down in the disappointing dumps, so it came as a surprise that I felt happy/confident working on my cover letter/resume ~ I do know that I need to work. I am too sociable to stay at home with the dogs and cat. Unless they talked and could play SCRABBLE with me.

7:30 p.m. Homemade tuna salad ... delish!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Stupid allergies

Horrible night's sleep. One of those slumbers where you wake up every hour because one nostril is running and the other is stuffy, where your throat is dried out from open-mouth breathing (hence the dream of drinking sand), where your lips are encrusted with all that white icky goo (whatever that is).
Zero energy. Head clogged. Even my morning coffee doesn't taste good. Did not eat breakfast within twenty minutes of awakening because I didn't feel well. Sudafed taken at 6 a.m. finally kicked in, though. I can breathe with a closed mouth. Would walk but there's humidity outside and that floating cottony junk that sends me into a sneezing seizure.

Morning start (9 am): One cup strong black coffee (no cream; no sugar)

Breakfast (10:45 am): Egg on English muffin; 4 oz. pure juice smoothie* (organic blueberries, spinach, strawberries, raspberries, orange juice, and Kefir)

*I did not make this drink. I have a friend who's starting up a juice bar, and she'd delivered this drink to me a few weeks ago, along with other yummy concoctions. This one I'd frozen ... . Delicious the next day, having thawed overnight in the fridge. If you live in the Northland and would love fresh juice or smoothies delivered to your home in reusable glass containers, let me know and I'll give you my friend's contact information. All her ingredients are locally grown and organic.

Snack (1:30 pm): Apple with tablespoon of peanut butter; black coffee (iced)

Lunch (2:07 pm): I am hungry!!! Weight Watchers Smart One  ~ macaroni and cheese entree

Snack (4:07 pm): Visalus Shake made with skim milk and one cup mixed berries.Absolutely delicious. The berries were frozen, and once I added five-six ice cubes, the concoction needed a spoon. Yum!

Dinner (6:45 pm): Feeling hungry again. Wow. Haven't felt this much hunger in a long time.
Chicken breast/green beans (this time I added 1/4 cup sharp cheddar and 1/2 cup sour cream)

Snack (7:15 pm): Still hungry. Ate 1/2 cup applesauce

Snack (9:15 pm): Old habits take center stage. While watching "Dateline," I made a bowl of cereal.
Ate the cereal with skim milk and then ~ and then ~ went and got the rest out of the box and ate it out of my hand, my cocker spaniel begging for bites, which I gave her (she's fat too).

Binge (10 pm - 10:40 pm): Shit! Daughter's making kolaches and they're hot from the oven. Buttery
deliciousness. Yeasty aroma. Cannot resist. I eat three of these. This is why I am fat. I was not hungry when I ate the kolaches.

Reflection: My day had gone on plan until I got really tired. Instead of just going to bed, I turned on the TV and there was that damned "Dateline" that always sucks me in. While I'm watching a classic who-killed-the-beautiful-leggy-blonde? I'm consuming about 1,000 calories. Also, I did not exercise today. Felt crummy from allergies (or a head cold); humidity too high. I did, however, finally get the vacation to Mexico pictures scrapbooked. Felt good to see that through to completion. I did not overeat or eat mindlessly when I was working on that project.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Rock Bottom

Well, it happened. I felt it coming; I was in denial; I was telling it to go away, get out, leave me alone, pick on someone your own size.
But it's here: the proverbial rock bottom that addicts talk about. The my-world's-crashing-down-around me feeling that motivates sufferers to either jump off a bridge, run away to a new place and a new identity, seek counseling, or say to Mr. Rock Bottom, "Well, you can Suck It!"
I'm not going to kill myself; I can't run away and reinvent myself (I have a beloved husband and precious, dear children ~ even though they're adults, they need me ~ I have a cocker spaniel, for crying out loud, who adores me and cries when I leave the house ~). I AM going to go back into counseling. I have a therapist who knows me and knows how to help me. I love her. And I AM going to say, a million times if I need to, I am going to say to Mr. Rock Bottom and Miss Depression (she's so Debbie Downer, that one) and Lady Anxiety (who's immensely smarmy and attitudinal and plain mean), I am going to say, with tremendous rigor, "Well, you can Suck It! All of you." And I am going to point my (nail-bitten) finger at each of them, to really hit home my point, "You, Mr. Rock Bottom, you can Suck It. You, Miss Depression, you can Suck It. You, Lady Anxiety ~ don't you give me that look! You, Lady A., well, you can Suck It, too."
I realize this expression is vulgar and sophomoric.Which explains why I like it; it helps me.
It is my new mantra. If you don't like it, if you're offended, well, quit reading. (You can Suck It, too!)
This blog, previously unfocused and extremely ADD in its theme ~ it is, after all, titled Mom sequitur ~ is now going to be hyper focused because I need it to help me with my climb out of a deep and dark pit of despair.
My intent is to blog daily concerning my transformation from a walking corpse into a vibrant, healthy individual, one who is emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy.

The stats:
Age: 46
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 242.6 pounds
BMI: 39.1
Measurements, in inches (duh):
Neck: 15.5
Bicep: 15
Forearm: 11.5
Chest: 51.5
Waist: 45.5
Abs: 47.5
Hips: 49.5
Butt: 50
Thigh: 26
Calf: 17

The Food Plan:
Breakfast: (Must eat within 20 minutes of awakening) 1 Protein + 1 Complex Carb + 1 Simple Carb
Snack: (Within 3 hours of breakfast) 1 Simple Carb + 1 Protein
Lunch: 1 Complex Carb + 1 Fibrous Carb + 1 Protein
Snack: (Within 3 hours of lunch) 1 Fibrous Carb + 1 Protein
Dinner: 1 Fibrous Carb + 1 Protein
Up late? Snack: 1 Protein

One cheat meal per week. Consume within one hour. If in the evening, consume at least three hours between meal and bedtime.

The Exercise Plan:
Twenty to thirty minutes walking, daily
15 crunches (3 sets)
15 step-ups (3 sets)
15 lower leg raises (3 sets)
15 standing push-ups (3 sets)
Plank (try to hold for 10 seconds; 3 sets)

Today's food:
Breakfast (10:30) : One slice whole-wheat bread; peanut butter; banana
Snack (12:30): One Visalus shake (More to come on this product in a separate post)
1:30: Diet Coke (This I must do away with; I have a sensitivity to aspartame)
Lunch (2:30): Two slices whole-wheat bread; tuna; carrot sticks
Snack (4:30): Fruit cup/peanut butter spoon
Dinner (6:30): Chicken breast "stewed" with tomatoes and onions; whole green beans

Today's exercise:
Followed plan + second 30-minute walk

Important quote of the day: "It doesn't matter where you are. You are nowhere compared to where you can go." (Bob Proctor)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Beginner's Goodbye ~

Book three of my reading challenge was an Anne Tyler title  ~ Anne Tyler, I say! ~ The Beginner's Goodbye. Although many critics kinda panned this novel (Tyler's newest) I enjoyed every single sentence. Loved the characters. Loved the plot. Loved the happy ending. I am a sucker for happy endings (because real life doesn't work that way), no matter how predictable.
I always hold Tyler's books close to my heart when I finish reading. Literally, I mean, I hold the novel against my chest and just feel so damned happy that I got to read it. My favorite? Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant. I could read that novel every year of my life and not tire of it.
(Truth be told: I would enjoy reading one of Anne Tyler's grocery lists.)
It always shocks me a little when a woman in my age group asks, "Anne Taylor? Tyler? Um, what does she write?"

Movies 9, 10, 11, 12

Movie Time!

The Good:
1) Limitless (Bradley Cooper's character is given a magic pill that makes him invincible. One extremely disgusting scene involving blood; otherwise, I liked this movie. Kept my attention.)
2) A Little Help (Quirky movie about a young widow's dysfunctional family; I adore quirky dysfunctional family movies. Should probably try to write a script for one. God knows I am the product of quirky dysfunction.)
3) About Fifty (Two fifty-plus buddies ... bromance? ... take a weekend golf outing; middle-aged angst is appealing to me, and I understand it, what with being middle aged myself and full of angst ... .)

The Bad:
4) Jack & Jill (Ninety minutes of my life that I will never get back. The first ten minutes seemed sweet, and hopeful, that more sweetness and light and familial love would follow, but then the plot took a weird and strange and disturbing twist. Al Pacino? Really?)