Making sense

Anne Lamott, on writing ...

"We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out.”

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Vortex

Caught in the Missing Mom vortex. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, everything I think has revolved around my mom today. Except when I was watching a movie. Except when I was helping HAS build a lattice screen out back. Except when I was getting ready for the day. Everything else?
Mom. It does not help that her ashes (and Dad's) are sitting in an alcove in my entryway.
This vortex has sucked my positive food-plan energies.
Check out what I ate today:

Raspberry kolache. (Damn you, Czech heritage ~)
Popcorn and soda (not diet) at the movie. Movie popcorn, of all things. With extra butter.
Popsicles. Two.
Packaged fettuccine alfredo. I ate all of it. By myself. Not even at the table; rather, I was sitting in the rocking chair in the living room watching a murder mystery, and as such, I don't remember whether this was even good or not (the food, not the program).
Two enormous jugs of water with orange juice (mostly water; I like the taste of diluted orange juice).
A few other things, but I have absolutely zero recollection. That's what Not Writing Things Down gets me. False memories and a bazillion unaccounted calories.

Butt pilates/wall push-ups
45-minute walk with Bella and Millie
10-minute bicycle ride

Missing Mom. Missing Mom. Missing the ability to pick up the phone and talk with her, to ask her, What'd you do today? to which she'd respond, Not a damn thing. Missing mom all day today. Except when I wasn't.


Cindy said...

Kathleen, you have got to quit beating yourself up! I wish I had a magic pill to get you through this grief period. I promise it gets better. I am able to think of my parents today w/out crying. I have a small pinch at the bottom of my heart that hurts, but the rest of my heart is warm and fuzzy with memories and fun times! How about trying the Serenity Prayer next time you think about your mom? You can say that a million times per day and God hears you.

Kate said...

Wonderful advice, Cindy.
Thank you.

Cindy said...

Do you want to try Aqua Zumba with us at LCC? I am sure it's in water where you can stand. If not, we'll tell her to put YOU in water not above your shoulders. THEN can you come to our neighborhood pool so I can give you a couple lessons? I worry about people who cannot swim.